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Mom Roar + Parenting Tips

January 23, 2023

Birthday behavior: Mom Roar

The other night was my husbands birthday. All I can say is, thank goodness we mostly celebrated it over the weekend and not on the actual Monday that his birthday fell on, because, geez. It. Was. A. Night! Pooks is having a tough time with the transitions right now, totally understandable, and she has lots of feelings. Her little 3 year old brain cannot process or articulate all of the things that she is going through and it is coming out in ugly words, “you’re not my friend” comments, and lots of rage. In turn, it’s making me snap. It’s a double edged sword for me right now, because on the rational side of my brain, I know all of these things. She’s having accidents at school multiple times a day after having no accidents at all because she’s in a new class, it’s a new teacher and a new room and a new schedule and a new cot and she can’t figure it out, it’s not her routine, not her safe space, she misses Miss Carmen. We’re packing up boxes at home, mom and dad are on edge, Bunny baby is sick and getting most of her parents attention. I know all of these things and I know how I need to watch my words and how I react to her because she is a sponge, and is mirroring our behavior and our phrases and some of them are ugly. They aren’t appropriate for her little brain and body and we don’t want her saying them. On the other side of my brain, I’m human. I’m frustrated, she’s being nasty, she’s acting out, she slapped me in the face, I’ve had to ask her to do something 9,000 times in a row and she’s still running around naked screaming her little brain off and she thinks it’s hilarious. I’m exhausted, I have 20,000 things I need to do still and it’s already 8pm.

I think I had my lowest mom moment ever with her on my husbands birthday and I’m still feeling sorry. I literally roared at her, my little girl, in anger and frustration, so loud that it scared the daylights out of her and she immediately started sobbing. At the time, I didn’t even feel bad I was seeing so much red. She just won’t listen, she’s just ACTING so bad. It’s important for me to make this distinction, and to ensure that I am not using words with her that say that SHE is bad, because she’s not. She’s a smart, funny, creative, silly, inquisitive, stubborn, challenging little girl full of so much magic… but she’s three. And she’s got the feelings. And, she sometimes (feels like lots of times) lately is using her body and her words in mean, challenging ways.

We are trying the Daniel Tiger Method https://youtu.be/DFojWGH-I-c which she loves, and sometimes it works a bit. We actually look to many of these catchy, fun songs for lots of life lessons. The potty song was a huge one in our fam during potty training and the countdown to calm down are huge too- again, hit or miss about when it works but they are tools in our tool box that are easy to try in a pinch. Both of our kids really respond to music and water so we will try whatever we can to get it done. I read another post about a mom who gives her child a piece of paper and tells her to rip it into shreds until she doesn’t feel frustrated anymore and that works. I tried that, she was into the ripping, but it didn’t solve anything except make a huge mess on the floor that she refused to pick up afterwards.

Basically, what I am saying, is parenting is hard ya’ll, and I sure as heck don’t have the answers. 3 is my least favorite age so far but I also love it so much. She is learning and growing and her personality is shining and when she’s good- she is incredible. But when she acts “bad” it gets ugly. So much of this goes into the underlying things and questions I still have. She is not a good eater- is she getting the nutrients she needs to be successful, to be happy, to fuel her brain and support her tummy and help her sleep. No, I don’t think so. Does she have a gluten intolerance? She is worse behaved the more sugar she gets- no brainer right? Cut back on sugar, especially at night but it’s not easy. She is very treat motivated which is obviously our huge miscalculation and we need to break her of that habit.

With our entire food intolerance and allergy journey I know how critical what we do and don’t put into our bodies does to how we feel. We started this journey 5 years ago with our dog and realizing that he had so many food and environmental allergies. Food labels are so important- that has now rolled over into product ingredients and searching for companies that support allergy free living. I am hoping that once we finally move into our new house and start over on basically everything that eventually this reset will allow us to start fresh with my little girls body and mind. Will she start eating overnight? No. Will her sleep improve? Who knows.

I do plan on truly cleansing our pantries- getting rid of the old and being thoughtful about what new things we bring into our space. We thought long and hard about her new school and new space (see blog post here) and are now searching for pediatricians and support services that can help us round out our journey with our family there. Our current pediatrician practice is the pits- and most recently we discovered that we cannot continue her speech and occupational therapy because our Ped will not sign off on the documents for continued support. See ya Terrible Large Chain Practice with archaic reactive patient care and convenient hours of operation! Never looking back at you wack jobs the second we leave our house.

We are cleaning the new house and saging the crap out of it, and ripping out the carpets and putting up fresh paint and doing whatever we can to make it clean and inviting and supportive. We will have a huge fenced in yard to burn off pent up energy after school in a safe place that we don’t have to worry about running into the street and getting hit by one of the crazy race car drivers that zoom down our tiny street like they are in the Indy500. Everyone will have Their own space to decompress and get a way and have a time out alone when they need it, including mom and dad for the first time and I am so grateful for this. All of these things are a lot of change, and of course that will be transitions, but I’m hoping they add up to happy, healthy, well rested kids and adults that love each other deeply and unconditionally.

So, in a long rant of a post I am saying this- bad behavior is important – it helps you think about what the root causes are and what might be going on in your littles lives that is making them act out and ask for help. It’s also important to give yourself some grace- you are human and you can’t do everything right all of the time. Last night I began my rebuild with my baby by reading a brand new alphabet book that we just got at the store to work on her letters and it’s so fun (Disney themed) and afterwards I gave her little body rubs (she loves shoulders) in bed to help her fall asleep. It felt good- redemptive and nice, and I ended up falling asleep with her on my lap, only to peel her off around 11 and head to my own room. She traveled to my room and my arms again at 5:30am where she crawled into bed with me and snuggled for another hour before we started the day.

You’re doing a great job- and so am I. Maybe not every day, but most, and it’s enough.

What are your tips for bad behavior/tough days with your littles and what are some things that you have done to get to the root of the cause? Would love to hear about it!

Update: Since this post, during the pandemic, we did sign up for Megghan Thompson Coaching which was a life saver. We got so much out of this family coaching program and still do with the Alumni Facebook group. I cannot recommend doing something like this enough. While I am not endorsed by any of these resources (I would love to be – reach out dream team!) lol, and I can’t promise they will work for you, they have all individually contributed to the successful parenting wins and pick me ups on my dark days for myself and my loved ones. I will talk about this virtual village later on, because this is where it all started. Here are some of the other resources that we love are:

We can do hard things– Podcast by Glennon Doyle + her dream team with her wife Abby and sister Amanda. Wow. I can not tell you how many times personally these 30+ minute episodes in this podcast have saved me on my darkest days. The trio gives so much love and light and positivity into the world, and gives us mama’s some truth talk on days that feel especially hard.
Good Inside – Instagram and Podcast by Dr. Becky– she has a whole course and lots of other resources. I have not done them but have gotten tons out of her podcast and Instagram posts myself, and its a very similar methodology to MTC.
Megghan Thompson Coaching – We personally did this full course and paid all the monies. I honestly don’t think I have ever spent money in a more meaningful way than the time, funds, and effort that we put into this with our family. It saved us and is directly benefitting my two younger children as well as the relationship I have with both my mother and husband.

The key to all of these resources tips and tricks is consistency. You must practice it yourself, and you and the other grown ups in your house must practice them as well or it will not be successful.

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